The Light of Awareness: Transforming Communication in Marriage

Dear Courageous One, 

It’s come to my attention that there are many who feel communication to be their greatest challenge in their most intimate relationship. And beneath that, a feeling of being unloved and unappreciated. Does this ring true for you too? 

Is it communication in your relationship, or lack thereof, that you feel causes the most chaos? 

I too felt this way once upon a time. That my husband, Denver, and I just didn’t understand one another. You see, I shared too much and he too little. I processed my feelings out loud and he processed them within. I wanted to know what he was thinking and he was scared of what I would say about his thoughts. 

I pursued and he distanced. It was a dance. One of which never allowed us to connect, to touch, to be close, or to feel loved. 

Over time, we grew weary. Our patience diminished. Our love disappeared. Bitterness and frustration set in. We both felt alone and lost.

What we thought was a communication problem was, in fact, a connection problem. But the disconnection that we were experiencing with one another was merely a symptom and reflection of an even deeper issue. One that existed solely within ourselves. 

I learned that my pursuing nature came from my fear of not being loved. Of men leaving me. Of men hurting me. Of being too much. 

I also learned that Denver’s distancing nature was, too, from a fear of not being loved. Of not being good enough. Of having to hide and lie about who he was in order to be accepted. 

We were both afraid. And in our unskilled attempts to fill the voids in our hearts, we became two ships passing in the night. Our communication not landing. Our connection obsolete. Not because we couldn’t communicate but because we had no idea how afraid we both were of losing one another. And furthermore, unconscious of our own inner turmoil. 

Why would we be able to communicate this if we, ourselves, weren’t aware of our own fears? 

We wouldn’t. We couldn’t. Not for a lack of trying. But simply from a lack of awareness. 

Until we shine the light of awareness upon the shadows that haunt us, we will continue to live in fear, attempting to solve our “perceived” problems in the ways we were taught growing up. So the question is, are we ready to turn on the light of awareness? 

Are you sick and tired enough to try something different? Are you willing to let go of the belief that you have a communication problem and accept that it might very well be a connection problem? But not one with your spouse. One with yourself. 

Until next time, keep questioning, keep challenging, and above all, keep loving fiercely.

Yours Truly,

Your Marriage Mindshift Coach