Compassion or Codependency: Understanding Grace vs. Enabling

Dear Courageous One, 

A beautiful question was asked to me this week by one of my amazing clients, “what’s the difference between giving someone grace and enabling them?” I thought it would be helpful to share with you my response. But first let me share with you this: 

Oftentimes, I find that most of my clients are more upset with themselves than they are with their partner. I know this to be true for me too. As much as I have blamed Denver for his wrong-doings in the past, it was me who I was most upset with. 

I beat myself up for not seeing the signs. For being blinded by love. For letting him treat me “this way” over and over again. For not being able to set healthy boundaries and hold them. For feeling insecure and crazy. For choosing a partner who doesn’t prioritize me and our family. You name it, I blamed myself for it. 

As I mentioned before, this is a common theme amongst my clients. Can you relate? Do you find that you beat yourself up or replay your last argument… or even the argument you’re about to have… over and over again in your mind? Do you find yourself seesawing back and forth between self-blame and rage towards your partner’s unwillingness to change? 

If so, you’re in good company. If not, that’s okay. Maybe you’re here to better understand your spouse. But my bet is that if you’re reading this, you’re highly introspective and are trying everything in your power to become the best version of yourself. 

That’s exactly what my client who asked this wonderful question is like too. She is always looking to grow and expand herself. She asks powerful questions that reflect her willingness to own her part and transform her relationship. 

So here’s what my response to her was:

Grace comes from compassion and empathy while enabling comes from sympathy and fear. When we are giving someone grace for their outburst or inability to see their blind spots it doesn’t mean we are letting them off the hook. It simply means we understand that they’re not aware of what’s really happening yet and are doing the best they can with what they know. 

It’s even more important to set and hold healthy boundaries while giving someone grace. This will allow you to keep yourself and your spouse safe as they navigate their past trauma or blind spots. 

Enabling, as I mentioned earlier, comes from feeling sorry for someone and not wanting to hold them accountable in fear they won’t be able to handle it. When you pity someone, you actually are looking down upon them. You don’t see them as capable of navigating through the tough times. Which leads you to “let them off the hook” and not hold them accountable. This, here, is codependency. I’ll share more with you on this topic later. 

So this weekend, I challenge you to notice whether you are enabling or giving grace. See what comes up for you. And share with me what you discover about yourself. I always love hearing from you. 

Until next time, keep questioning, keep challenging, and above all, keep loving fiercely.

Yours Truly,

Your Marriage Mindshift Coach