How to dissolve distance and disconnection in your marriage

Dear Courageous One,

Has the dissuasion of disconnection led to distance in your marriage? I know that it has for mine time and time again. And it’s taken the building of my mental muscles to ward off those weary thoughts. 

This week I felt disconnected and distant from Denver, not because of anything either of us did or didn’t do. Rather, a single lonely thought that crept into my mind in a moment of tiredness. It festered and grew, gathering in the far corner, teetering between my conscious and subconscious. 

Can you relate? 

As I was heading to bed last night, I caught it. It had grown into a big ball of fear and frustration. I could now hear the thoughts that were the truest cause of distance in my marriage:

He only cares about his friend. He hardly helps me with the kids. We haven’t even had a meaningful conversation all week. If I let him, he could go weeks without connecting with me. He claims he’s tired but he’s working out until 11pm at night. He’s only too tired to talk to me.

It can go on and on and on. 

But instead of fueling my fearful fire, I chose to gather the gifts of gratitude. I began to tell myself all the things Denver was doing right:

He dropped me and Jaz off to her gymnastics practice tonight. He is always helping me figure out dinner. He cooks. He cleans. He loves us. I’m grateful for the subtle ways he shows me his love: a text in the middle of the day, a smile from across the room, silly memes he sends me on social media. 

And there it is… what you look for, you shall find. 

It was a beautiful moment as I fluttered off to sleep where I realized yet again the power of my mind. I could fester in fear or grow in gratitude. It was my choice. 

I chose gratitude. And in that very moment, I felt the feeling of love and connection refill my heart. For it is never our partner who’s responsible for those feelings. We are. 

As you set sail into the weekend, ask yourself this: which thoughts have I grabbed hold of today? What have I set my mind on to see? And is it what I would truly love?

You hold the key to love and connection in your relationship. 

Until next time, keep questioning, keep challenging, and above all, keep loving fiercely.

Yours Truly,

Your Marriage Mindshift Coach