When Conversations Split: The Fear of Being Misunderstood

Dear Courageous One, 

Today, I want to address a major concept that is often overlooked and misinterpreted as communication problems in most marriages: being misunderstood. This, here, dare I say it, is the heart of all relationship challenges. And a core fear most people struggle with day-in and day-out. 

This topic was a recurring theme this week, not only for my clients but in my own marriage as well. 

You see, oftentimes, one partner will start a conversation about a neutral or non-confrontational topic with the best intentions of connecting and communicating about something they’re interested in. It’s then followed by their spouse being triggered about something completely different. And then off to the races they go having two different conversations simultaneously.

Let me share an example. This past weekend my husband made a very neutral and curious comment while we were having a money conversation. He said, “isn’t it interesting that I didn’t have to spend a penny on my education and I still ended up making 6-figures a year, while you have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on building your business?”

Well I’m sure you already know, but I got triggered. What I heard him say, or the story I told myself was that he said, “you have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on building your business and you still don’t have your shit together like you want to.” 

Now, let me be clear… he did NOT say that. But it’s what I heard through the lens of my own self-judgment and my own self-criticism. Money, up until recently, was a super hot topic for me. Even the most neutral conversations could get me riled up and defensive.

So after a bit of back and forth between the two of us due to our “miscommunication” (he talking about how cool it was that he didn’t have to pay for his education and now makes 6-figures and me feeling attacked thinking he was judging me for my past financial choices), I realized something even deeper and much more profound… I felt really MISUNDERSTOOD.

Beneath the frustration and defensiveness, I was sad. Because the comment Denver made meant that he didn’t really understand the journey that I’ve been on for the past decade. The fact that he thought that all the money I spent was purely to build my business means he was unaware of the bigger picture.

The bigger picture being, breaking the toxic patterns in both of our families, unlocking a new level of wealth and prosperity for our kids, saving our marriage (not once but twice), and embracing and tapping into the spiritual side of our nature to live up to our greatest potential. 

THIS is what I invested in. Not just my business. But you see, it’s not Denver’s fault for not knowing this. Yes, he wasn’t ready to learn about it back then or understand it even. But, I too, didn’t feel safe to share my journey with him. 

And in that moment, the moment I realized that it was my core fear of being misunderstood that was being triggered, was the moment I was able to diffuse the situation. The moment we were able to get back on track and complete both conversations that we were having. The moment we were both able to come back to a place of love. 

So as you endeavor into another weekend, I challenge you to notice when your fear of being misunderstood has been triggered with your partner. And when that fear has split one conversation into two. 

And you can ask yourself, where in my life am I most afraid of being misunderstood? Just notice it, don’t judge it. Allow yourself to stay curious.

Until next time, keep questioning, keep challenging, and above all, keep loving fiercely.

Yours Truly,

Your Marriage Mindshift Coach