What love looks like… and it’s not what you think!

Dear Courageous One,

I found myself pondering a new perception this week. The topic of date nights was brought up and I noticed a feeling of guilt and shame rise up within me. 

Me. The expert in marriages. Me. The role model and the example for relationships. Because Denver and I aren’t going on many date nights these days. Right now we’re going on quick dinner dates maybe once or twice a month at most.

That’s when it hit me. I’ve fallen into a societal trap yet again. And I know that I’m not alone in this. We all get caught up in the common thinking of the world from time to time. 

This one though, was that of healthy couples having to date one another often or things will fall apart. And don’t get me wrong, I totally get where these experts are coming from. Staying in the mindset of dating your spouse helps to increase the fun and the love in your relationship. 

But the downside of this teaching is the shame, guilt and false expectations that can plague those that don’t live up to this suggestion. Hence the subconscious guilt that crept into the back of my mind. 

What about you? Have you caught yourself feeling disconnected from your spouse when you think of how often you go on dates? Or how NOT often? Do you question if you’ve fallen out of love? Or maybe even think that your spouse seems to care more about their friends, work, kids, and others more than you? 

Well, these were definitely my thoughts not long ago. 

The topic of Denver wanting to hang out with his coworkers or friends… yet again… two or three weeks in a row would come up. Then the thought of how often we have “gone out” that month would cross my mind. Followed by an intense feeling of sadness and disconnect. 

Then… I would look up towards Denver and see him smiling on his phone, scrolling through social media, laughing at a meme someone just sent him. And off to the races I went! My past trauma triggered. My lens of love gone. 

As you set off into another weekend, I want to challenge you to shift your perception of what love looks like. Not for your spouse’s sake, but for you. 

You see, we often believe that our feeling of disconnect comes from the distance we feel with our partner. But the reality is, it comes from within us. It’s a fear born from your thoughts and your beliefs. And the fastest way to feel connected and loved isn’t to go on more date nights. 

The fastest way to feel loved and connected is to shift your perception. We all get to choose how we feel by the thoughts we choose to think. 

This past week, when I looked up and saw Denver laying on the couch with his phone in his face, smiling at something funny a friend just sent him, I no longer felt lonely or disconnected. I actually saw love. I was happy that he was happy. I smiled when I saw him smile. 

And in that very moment, I felt so connected to him, so loved, and so cared for. Not because he changed. But because I did. 

Until next time, keep questioning, keep challenging, and above all, keep loving fiercely.

Yours Truly,

Your Marriage Mindshift Coach