When things feel too good to be true

Dear Courageous One,

Today I want to shine light upon a more subtle and sneaky culprit that can instigate holiday havoc in our relationships. It’s something that is called The Upper Limit Problem. 

This term was coined by one of my favorite authors of our time, Gay Hendricks. He first introduced this term in his book titled The Big Leap. And what the Upper Limit Problem (also known as ULP, like saying gulp without the g) looks like in our relationship is this…

You had the most amazing night as a family, laughing, enjoying one another, and spending time with those you love. Then all of a sudden a sneaky thought creeps into your mind. You begin to remind yourself of all the annoying and irritating things your spouse has done to you over the years. You begin to dread going home and dealing with the fallout of another family dinner. And before you know it, one of you has picked a fight and off to the races you go. 

The perfect holiday celebration ruined… AGAIN. 

This, my dear reader, is what we call the ULP. Or as one of my amazing clients calls it, our Happiness Limit!

You see, we each have a thermostatic setting within ourselves that determines how much good and how much bad we allow ourselves to have. We create this invisible threshold for ourselves on a very subconscious level. And when we go past that upper threshold and find ourselves having “too much fun” or things being a bit “too good to be true,” we tend to bring ourselves back to our homeostatic state by creating an Upper Limit Problem.

I don’t have enough time to share with you all the ins and outs of the ULP today, but do know that it exists and can attempt to steal your joy this holiday season. 

On that same note, I’d like to celebrate the most amazing evening Denver and I just had at his company party this past weekend. In the past, after such a wonderful evening like we had, we used to end it with an ULP argument leading to frustration, disconnect, and sadness. But NOT this time! I’m so happy to report to you that we allowed ourselves to have an AMAZING evening and had ZERO arguments for the rest of the weekend! 

For those who have healthy relationships, they might be rolling their eyes at me celebrating this. But for me and those who have felt the cycle of insanity in their marriage before, this is a HUGE win.

And that’s why I am sharing this with you today. I want you to know that this is possible for you too. That your happiest moments don’t need to be followed by heartbreak and chaos. 

As you head into the weekend, I challenge you to remember the ULP and how it can creep up on you this holiday season. Next time you have an argument with your spouse just notice what happened right before that argument. Were you having a really good time? Were things becoming too good to be true? If so, then it’s likely you simply hit an ULP. 

All you have to do then is just call it for what it is and let the argument go. Nothing more, nothing less.

Until next time, keep questioning, keep challenging, and above all, keep loving fiercely.

Yours Truly,

Your Marriage Mindshift Coach