Would you still love me if...?

Dear Courageous One,

A wise woman once said, “the content of your life is the curriculum of your evolution.” And as it turns out it’s also the inspiration for many of my messages to you.

This week my husband had another tattoo appointment. If you know Denver and have seen him before, he has many pieces of art inked onto his skin. 

You see, I have always liked tattoos but I do have my limits of what I find appealing. A few years ago, Denver really wanted a tattoo on his neck. Now that’s where I drew the line. 

All the pictures I’ve seen of people with neck tattoos didn’t look flattering in my opinion. In my most vicious thoughts I would tell Denver that it looked like a floating head over a dark colored neck. Yuck. 

And that’s when a very deep conversation arose. He asked me, “would you still love me if I got a neck tattoo?” 

What a loaded question!

But it was a sincere one. So an answer was warranted. I paused to think for a moment. Would I still want to be with someone who had a neck tattoo? Of course I’d still love him but did I truly want to be with him? My gut reaction was, No. 

I didn’t realize it then, but that was the beginning of a dark chapter in Denver’s life and over time it led to him questioning if he wanted to be with me. 

What started with a simple yet profound question about a tattoo eventually led to the realization that we were in a conditional relationship. And it took me back to my dark night, almost 8 years ago now, when Denver was dealing with his addiction. 

Did I want to be with an addict? Did I deserve to be in a relationship that was sooo hard? To be with someone who wanted to check out of reality on a regular basis? To be with someone who constantly lied to me, sometimes for no good reason? 

See, all of these questions came from a place of conditional love. 

If Denver chose to stay in his addiction or if he got a neck tattoo that I didn’t approve of, then I didn’t want to be with him anymore. 

As I write this out in admission to you, it all seems so petty and shallow. But at the time it felt intense and very important. 

So as you embark into the weekend, I challenge you to ask yourself this question, “are you currently in a conditional or unconditional relationship?” 

As it turns out, Denver did end up getting his neck tattoo. He did, however, take some of my suggestions in a bit of a compromise. And I am happy to report to you that I do still love him and am with him. 

He asked me again the other day, “would you still love me if ….” To be honest I actually forgot what he said after that. Because I interrupted him and told him that my love for him is no longer based on the conditions of our lives. I love him unconditionally.

It was a beautiful moment. And I am cherishing this next chapter of our lives.

So if you’re feeling a lack of love in your relationship right now, then take me up on this challenge. Find where you might be holding onto conditions, resentment, and hurts in your marriage. Then find a way to let them go so you can finally allow the unconditional love you’re longing for to emerge.

Until next time, keep questioning, keep challenging, and above all, keep loving fiercely.

Yours Truly,

Your Marriage Mindshift Coach